


Not Alone

by MelissaSz89



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Aaron Hotchner secretly likes to cuddle, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Sleepy Cuddles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-12
Updated: 2013-07-12
Packaged: 2017-12-19 06:47:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/880690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelissaSz89/pseuds/MelissaSz89
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set directly at the end of episode 5x02 "Haunted". Emily realises that she can't leave Hotch alone after their conversation and decides to stay the night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Alone

_"Sometimes, the best way to help someone is just to be near them."_ \- Veronica Roth

\----------------------------

"He doesn't have anyone."

Hotch's voice was even when he said those words and anyone else, anyone who didn't know him as well as Emily and the rest of their team did, would have believed that he was only talking about the UnSub. But Emily could hear the slight hesitance, the fear of opening up, in that low voice. She could see in the way Hotch couldn't hold her gaze unwaveringly, like he would usually do in a situation similar to this, that he was afraid to find out that it was really true that he had no one left.

"He has Tommy. He's not alone," Emily said and prayed that Hotch would understand what she truly meant.

_You have me. You have the team. You're not alone. You can depend on us._

Hotch looked at her with a vulnerability in his eyes that she hadn't seen there before. Most likely he wasn't even aware of how far his walls had crumbled, and Emily knew that she couldn't say those words she actually wanted to say without making him feel even weaker that he perceived himself to be at this moment anyway.

Finally, he nodded barely noticeably and broke the eye contact to look at the far wall. When she followed his gaze, she could still clearly see the bullet hole in it. She shuddered, remembering how she had discovered it the first time, along with Hotch's discarded cellphone and the blood on the carpet.

The carpet had been cleaned since then, but you could still see the bleached out stain where Foyet had attacked him. Morbidly, she wondered if Hotch had cleaned his own blood from it himself, and quickly decided that she didn't want to know. _He probably has_ , her mind supplied nonetheless and she fought the mental images it conjured for her about Hotch scrubbing away furiously on the carpet, completely alone, probably aggravating the freshly healed wounds.

She used the ongoing silence to take another, closer look around the apartment. Dirty dishes in the sink, dust settling on the shelves and cupboards, and the dining table full with papers and boxes, all labelled either with _George Foyet_ or _The Reaper_.

Suddenly, Emily felt like the walls were closing in on her and she glanced back at Hotch who was now studying her with a concerned look on his face. That he seemed to worry about her right now was the last straw. 

She couldn't leave him here alone. Not when Foyet's presence was so strong; not when she knew that this monster was all that Hotch had left to think about when he was alone in here. 

She understood now.

Everyone from their team had wondered why Hotch hadn't moved into a new apartment or at least got himself a nice hotel suite until he found something else after that day. Everything had to be better than to stay at this place where he had been so brutally attacked. Dave had even offered Hotch a guest room at his mansion until everything was back to normal, or at least as normal as it would ever get again.

But Hotch had declined. And now Emily finally understood why.

Hotch was punishing himself, torturing himself, with the memories of his failures, however false they were. He didn't allow himself any escape or respite, instead he opted to relive the nightmare over and over again. Of course the biggest part of it was simply his wish to have his family back and save, but Hotch should know that everyone was more than willing to help him with that task. 

No, this was different. Emily could clearly imagine now how Hotch spent his evenings when they weren't away on a case. She could picture him sitting at the dining table, going through each file repeatedly, torturing himself with the knowledge that he should have stopped Foyet a long while ago. Every once in while he would look up from them, focusing on the bleached out spot on the carpet and he would remember every word, every stab and every slice of pain, again and again.

She glanced back at Hotch, who was now wearing his best We-Should-Not-Profile-Each-Other-Look and Emily realised that she was seconds away from being politely asked to leave.

 _Well_ , she thought, _Hotch will just have to suck it up. There's no chance in hell I'm leaving._

"Oh, damn!" she cursed loudly, "I forgot to refuel the car earlier, I don't think I will make it back home." Hotch's eyes narrowed and she knew that _he_ knew that it was a lie. She wasn't really trying hard either, she just needed an excuse to stay. "Mind if I crash here tonight? It's pretty late."

Hotch regarded her for a few seconds, probably trying to figure out her true intentions, and then he said carefully, playing along, "I could call you a cab."

"Oh don't bother, really," she waved him off, making her way over to the couch. "I think, I'll just nap here if you don't mind."

"This really isn't necessary," he said, giving up all pretence. 

Emily only raised her eyebrows at him, daring him to call her out on her true agenda. She could see the struggle Hotch was having with himself, but then he sighed deeply and nodded. "Alright, stay then."

She smiled and dropped her car keys onto the coffee table, before she took off her shoes and flopped down on the couch. The very hard leather couch. She suppressed a sigh of her own. Sleeping on this wouldn't be exactly comfortable and she felt bone-tired, but she wouldn't change her mind and leave now for any reason.

A blanket and a pillow would be nice though and she was about to ask for them just as Hotch came to stand before her. "You can't sleep on this," he said, gesturing at the couch.

"It's okay, don't worry," Emily replied quickly, not wanting to give him a chance to kick her out after all.

Hotch's lips thinned in irritation and he shook his head. "No, that's really something you would regret, believe me," he stated matter-of-factly. "You can take the bed."

"Hotch, no. I'll be fine," she argued. 

There was another silence and Emily tried to put on a smile and wriggle into a comfortable position on the couch, which quickly proved to be impossible. Hotch frowned and shook his head again.

"We can share the bed, it's big enough for two," he then said calmly.

Emily could only stare at him for a moment, taken aback by the offer. Sure, she had shared a room with Hotch before when they were away on a case, everyone had done so over the past few years. But to have him invite her to his own bed was so not something she would have thought she would ever hear from him. 

She hadn't answered, but Hotch took her silence obviously as affirmation and told her he would get her go-bag from her car and she should make herself comfortable in the meantime. He grabbed her keys from where she had dumped them on the coffee table and walked back out of the door, while calling back over his shoulder where she could find some clean towels in case she wanted to take a shower.

 _Alright_ , she thought to herself, as the door closed behind him. _This went better than expected._

\----------------------------

Two hours later, after they had both taken a shower and she had helped Hotch with some paperwork about the case they just closed, Emily suggested that they go to bed. She tried not to make it sound dirty, but she was still a little bit stunned that Hotch had truly offered to share one.

Hotch didn't look up from the file in his hands and muttered lowly, "Go ahead, I'll just finish up here."

"That will take another two or three hours," Emily stated, tiredly. "And we both need sleep."

He looked up at her then and she knew that he was ready to argue with her, but suddenly he squinted and rubbed his eyes, the fatigue obviously catching up with him. Emily suppressed a grin at the rather sweet, almost child-like action, but grew frustrated again when Hotch still tried to come up with an excuse to keep on working. 

"Strauss will want these files finished by morning, I'll just..."

"Strauss can wait," Emily cut in sharply, her dislike for the woman clearly showing in her voice.

"I appreciate your help, Emily, but I really need to finish up here," Hotch said. "I'll be quick, don't worry."

Emily made a face, knowing that if she truly left her boss to his own devices, he would probably work the whole night. Also, a suspicious voice popped up inside her head, he would likely sleep outside on that hellish couch instead of coming to bed.

Determined she reached over and swiftly plucked the papers out of Hotch's hands, ignoring the way he grabbed at them. "We're going to sleep now. And in the morning I will help you finish them before we go in to work," she said in a voice that allowed no objection.

Hotch quickly seemed to realise that he was in no position to win this argument, not to mention he looked like he could fall asleep at any second before reaching any kind of horizontal surface, whether it be the bed or the couch. "Alright, let's go to bed," he sighed in acceptance.

Together they walked over to the bedroom, after Hotch had switched off the light in the living room, and Emily bravely stepped forward and sat down on the bed, knowing that any sign of discomfort from her would make Hotch think of a thousand reasons why this was completely inappropriate. She quickly slipped under the covers, laying down on her back, and tried not to stare at him when after a short while the bed dipped beside her. 

Her resolution not to look at him was quickly destroyed however, when she realised that he had laid down _on_ the blanket, leaving it as some kind of barrier between them. Emily held back a snort full of mirth and asked evenly, "Are you afraid to compromise my virtue, Hotch?"

He let out an almost-groan at that and switched off the light on his bedside table. "Please, let me at least pretend that this is in any way appropriate."

She laughed lightly, but decided to grant him that small wish. "Suit yourself," she chuckled, "Good night."

"Good night, Emily."

\----------------------------

Emily awoke suddenly, when she felt a weight settle on her stomach. Instantly alert, she snapped her eyes open and her body tensed when she noted her unfamiliar surroundings in the dim light of the moon. She needed a few seconds to remember where she was, in which she tried to resist the urge to shake off the unexpected touch.

When the events of last night came back to her, she tried to relax again. It really had been too long since she had spent a whole night with someone, considering her near panic when she felt someone snuggle up to her in bed. 

At that thought she looked over at the sleeping form of her boss. Hotch had turned around at some time during the night and also rolled closer to her. His head was resting on her pillow now, just a few inches apart from hers, and he had obviously just thrown an arm over her midsection. His legs weren't exactly tangled up with hers, at least not yet, but they were definitely touching. Apparently, Hotch had gotten under the blanket after all.

All in all, Emily realised quite amused, Hotch was effectively cuddling her.

Part of her, the part that hated cuddling and being so restricted in sleep, wanted to push him away and free herself, but the larger part in her couldn't help but notice how relaxed his face looked and how content he seemed to be.

And hadn't that been the point to her staying here? She'd wanted Hotch to find some rest and for him to realise that he could depend on someone. Even though he more than likely wasn't aware of what he was doing, subconsciously he seemed to feel safe with her and that thought pleased her immensely. A warm, affectionate feeling spread inside her and she felt the urge to keep this moment preserved forever, but she knew it would pass.

In the morning, Hotch would be feeling embarrassed and guilty for having overstepped the boundaries of their work-relationship. He would apologise and ask her to forget this ever happened. He would try to hide his weaknesses and his need for comfort. And he would go back to that dark place inside his mind where there was nothing else than Foyet and the hunt.

But for now, Emily could reach out gently, while trying carefully not to wake him up, and cover his hand with her own. Right now she could offer him all that he needed, but would never accept when he was awake.

Right now, she could be there for him.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm planning on turning this into a 5+1 kind of series, in which Hotch gets to cuddle with everyone from his team at some point. I hope you like it and let me know if you want more :)


End file.
